Saturday, May 1, 2010

How to Convince Your Husband You Need an iPad

Ladies: don't over-think this one. Men are not the most complex creatures in the world. In fact, it's quite possible that the entirety of this column could be a single word, but that would be a much too crass approach. If you're angling to buy a new iPad, but just need to get the go-ahead from your other half, then keep it simple, visual, and physical - just like the iPad itself. Follow these tips for convincing your man you need an iPad and you shouldn't have any problems closing the deal:

1. Men are more visual than women. Show him what the iPad can show him. This might take a little Photoshop work: Find a standard iPad ad. Replace what's on the big sharp 9.7" screen with whatever he'd most like to see on the big sharp 9.7" screen - let's say that's golf. Yeah, that's the ticket. Golf.

2. Men are less verbal than women. While you're working him on the fine points of iPad ownership, be sure to explain the one big difference between the iPad and the iPhone - there's no phone in it! Don't take this personally, ladies. No doubt he yearns for the sound of your voice like the inland sea longs for the eons-vanished kiss of the ocean surf. But a little bit of the sound of any voice not announcing a sporting contest goes a very, very long way. "Oh no - I'll have it with me all the time, just like the iPhone... but I won't be able to talk!"

3. Pick the Apps You "Need" Carefully. Men - even your mild-mannered, considerate, modern man - like to believe they are the center of the universe. Not just your universe, although that is a subset, but the universe. This does not mean you can convince your man by talking about star-charting apps. It means you can convince him by raving about how cool the iPad is with world-conquest games like Civilization and games with nuclear weapons like iShoot. Also, forget about that "way to a man's heart is through his stomach" thing. It's not. Men will eat a hot dog that fell under the fridge up to a month later. Find a bartending app like Coffee Table Cocktails, and rave about how all the ingredients are in such big type you can even make a drink after you've already had eight.

4. Productivity, productivity, productivity. Deep down, men long for the days when a woman would make all the meals, do all the shopping, look amazing, maintain a girlish figure after giving birth a dozen times, and wear high heels and a French maid outfit while cleaning. Never mind that no one woman ever could or would actually do all these things. Husbands still like to long for them.

So make a big show out of how hard it is to fulfill his infantile fantasies while shopping on that teentsy weentsy iPhone - "I can't even tell if this French maid outfit has a feather duster! Hmmph!" You don't think he'll buy it? He actually makes believe that women are named Caramel and Bambi, and enjoy climbing up and sliding down metal poles. He'll buy it.

5. "Size Matters." It's cruel and it's primitive, but men are psychologically incapable of sticking with something smaller when it is pointed out that they can have something larger. "But if you're okay with 3.5 inches, I really don't need 9.7", honey... size doesn't really matter" - FTW!